Monday morning arrived with a mix of excitement and dread. My heart pounded as I buckled Nathan, our 20-month-old, into his little backpack, his “well-loved” stuffed bunny clutched tightly in his little hands. Today was the day – his first day of daycare. While I knew this was a positive step for his development, I couldn’t shake the guilt and anxiety.
Before we get too far into this, I should note that Nathan had a few days of “trial” daycare for a few hours to really test the waters – to see what he thought and how he’d respond. The first day was relatively uneventful…but then he realized what we were doing. The next few days were…well…the first official days tell the story well enough.
As we approached the house where the daycare is located, just a block from our own, Nathan got very quiet. Almost anxious. As we walked, his pace slowed considerably to the point where I had to carry him the rest of the way. He knew something was up. I tried to keep the mood light, but he wasn’t picking up on it. The second he saw the house, he looked right at me. Through me…
And then I rang the doorbell.
As the door swung open, the sound of children laughing filled the air as they all came to greet their newest companion. The welcoming face of the day home worker greeted Nathan with a friendly smile.
Nathan, however, wasn’t ready to embrace the change. He clung to my leg, his tiny fingers gripping with surprising strength. I knelt down, trying to reassure him. “It’s okay. You’re going to have so much fun.”
I don’t think he believed me. The next twenty seconds were filled with a sudden loud cry that I will never forget.
The day home worker told me it was going to be okay, but as I stood to leave, his grip tightened. My heart broke, but I knew I had to go. She gently picked him up and took him inside, trying to distract him with a fidget box, but Nathan’s wails grew louder as I slipped out the door. His cries echoed in my ears, and the walk home was a blur of worry and second-guessing.
The first few days followed a similar pattern. Each morning, Nathan clung to whoever dropped him off, tears streaming down his cheeks. It would take every ounce of strength to walk away, leaving him in the day home’s capable hands. We received text and pictures. Each time, we were told he had calmed down a little bit and was participating in activities, but the guilt lingered.
By Wednesday, while the other children played together, Nathan seemed lost in his own world. He crouched in the playhouse, tears streaming down his face. He was reclusive. He tried to hide in the nap room, but eventually, he would come out and play with some of the toys. The worker assured us that it was normal and that he just needed more time to adjust. She even discussed approaches to help him settle with some of her colleagues.
Thursday brought a small breakthrough. Nathan still cried, but we received pictures of him playing later that day. He was still upset but engaging more with the toys and his new friends. His face was serious and unsmiling, but he was engaged.
By Friday, the tears had lessened, though the mornings were still tough. But today, he spent the whole day playing with toys and interacting with the other children at the day home. He wasn’t 100% convinced yet, I’m sure. But considering how the week had started, I’ll take it!
I am not exaggerating when I say this has been one of the most challenging moments as a parent so far. We expected that this transition would not be easy or smooth, but we were largely unprepared for it. Being told everything will be okay is one thing—and I know it will—but you can’t help but feel like you are the cause of your child’s unhappiness, and that is incredibly difficult to move past.
Reflecting on the week, I realize that this was just the beginning. There will be more tears and struggles but also growth and joy. Nathan was learning to navigate the world, and I was learning to let him. This first week of daycare was a significant milestone for our family, marking the start of a new chapter filled with new challenges and adventures. And as tough as it was, I know we will all come out stronger on the other side.
The CJBuzz 