Or: A Step-by-Step Guide to Getting Absolutely Nothing Done
Step 1: Sit down at your desk with noble intentions. You are a writer. You have things to say. The internet awaits your wisdom.
Step 2: Open a blank document. Stare at it. Whisper, “Today’s the day I write something brilliant.” Then immediately open a new tab to check the weather, as if the weather has ever helped you write anything.
Step 3: Decide you need coffee. But not just any coffee. You need the kind of coffee that inspires sentences. Make a whole ritual out of it. Grind beans. Heat the kettle. Forget the kettle. Reheat the kettle. Forget why you came into the kitchen. Return to desk with lukewarm resolve.
Step 4: Write a sentence. Immediately hate it. Delete it. Type it again. Realize it’s not the sentence’s fault—you just don’t know what you’re writing about.
Step 5: Consider writing about not knowing what to write about. Laugh. That’s too silly. Then reconsider. Maybe it’s brilliant? Maybe this is the post? (I’ve done this)
Step 6: Try to make a point. Any point. About writing. About life. About socks. Fail. Check email instead. Spend fifteen minutes unsubscribing from newsletters you didn’t know you were subscribed to.
Step 7: Return to your blank page. Type a few lines. Add a joke. Then spend five minutes wondering if the joke lands or if you’ve just invented a new form of confusion. Decide to keep it, just in case it’s secretly genius.
Step 8: Hit publish. Because why not? At this point, it’s either that or start folding laundry and emotionally unravel at the sock pile.
Step 9: Wait for someone to comment, “This is exactly what I needed today.”
Step 10: Pretend that was your plan all along.
The CJBuzz 