Trying

There are things I can’t tell you.

Not because I don’t want to. Not because I don’t have the words. There are simply things happening in my world right now that aren’t mine to talk about. Maybe someday they will be. Today, they aren’t.

What I can tell you is that we’re tired.

Not the kind of tired that gets fixed with an early night and an extra cup of coffee. This is the kind that follows you home. The kind that sits quietly in the passenger seat while you drive. You turn on the radio, then turn it off again because somehow even music feels like too much noise.

Shelter work has always followed me home a little. I think that’s unavoidable when you care about what you do. Most days I can leave enough of it at the door that there’s still plenty of me left when I walk through my own. Lately, I’m not so sure.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to keep morale up. Making jokes. Checking in. Solving the next problem, then the one after that. Reminding people to take breaks. Telling them they’re doing a good job. And they are. They absolutely are! I’m surrounded by a team of people who keep showing up and doing what needs to be done, even when it’s hard. I’m trying to be steady for them because sometimes that’s part of the job too.

The strange thing about being one of the people trying to hold everyone else up is that we’re trying to carry each other at the same time. And right now, it’s heavy.

We’ve seen things recently that are difficult to understand. Things that make you angry. Things that make you sad. Things that make you wonder how people can be capable of enormous kindness and terrible cruelty at the same time.

Then the phone rings. Someone needs something. So you answer it.

That’s the part people don’t always see. You don’t always have time to process the bad thing before the next ordinary thing arrives. The laundry still needs doing. Someone needs an answer. Something needs cleaning. Somebody has a question. The day keeps moving whether you’re ready for it or not.

So we keep moving too.

I don’t know if we’re okay right now.

Actually, I do.

We’re not.

I’m not.

But we’re trying.

And for the moment, that’s about as much as I can ask of any of us.