The Weekly Post

Summer Shorts: Am I a Ninja?

I like to think that I’m a sneaky guy. That I can move about silently and quickly without being heard or seen. Some people at work seem to think so, at least. My wife, on the other hand? Well…

With her working on shift, she tends to go to bed considerably earlier than I do. And while she’s sleeping, I go about my business for quite some time before calling it a night and heading to bed several hours later.

Enter the ninja.

I am a ghost. The darkness is my ally. I slowly creep through the dark room, careful not to step on one of the dogs, who may also be sleeping. 2 feet…5 feet…10 feet…SQUEAK!!! I stumble over one of the dog toys.

“****!!!” I mutter, still trying to remain as calm and quiet as possible.

I blend in with the shadows. I am one with the night! I take a deep breath and move on to the bathroom. Once inside, I slowly begin to close the door…CREEEEAAAAAAKKK!!! I’ve created a sound effect that any horror fan would have killed for.

“Shhhhh!!!!!” I half-whisper to the door. My frustration is leading me to engage with inanimate objects.

Another breath. I brush my teeth and get ready for bed. The final stretch is yet to come.

I tiptoe my way out of the bathroom, across the floor, and towards the bed. I’m almost there! I am unseen like the wind. I am nothing more than a blurred whisper. I take my phone and put it on the charger.

BLING! It announces itself proudly while I look on in horror. My blood pressure rising, I yank it off the charger and lower the volume all the way down. I look over. She’s still asleep! Thank goodness. I put the phone back on the charger. BLING! It cried out again. My wife shifts in the bed, but remains deep in sleep. I flip the switch to silent mode and let out a long sigh. How many different buttons, switches, and toggles does it take to shut this phone up? I recompose myself and slowly drop the phone back down on the charger. CLACK! The magnetic wireless charger takes hold of the thing and smacks into it like Babe Ruth hitting a home run. I wince at the sound and watch in anguish as the screen turns on, 100% brightness, shining directly up at the ceiling, illuminating the whole room. The beacons are lit!!! GONDOR CALLS FOR AID!

“About time you came to bed,” she mumbles.

I like to think I’m a sneaky guy. But a ninja, I am not.

Image credit: KlausPillon

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